<====================================================================> By popular demand, I am sending a few snippets from the February 2nd 1990 edition of Private Eye. I start with an unusual advert, verbatim! ====================================================================== CURE BEDWETTING permanently - sleep on the floor. Prevent puppies scratching your best furniture - cut their legs off. Avoid acne - take the A102 through Walthamstowe. Stop tits pecking through your milk bottle tops - put bricks on them. With these tips and others, The Herbert Society is providing essential advice to herberts throughout society. We're doing our best. But, with the number of herberts in Britain doubling each year, increasingly, our best is not good enough. We need more help - your help. So, please, help a herbert today. Send whatever tips you can spare - no matter how small, herberts welcome them all. The Unique Herbert Society. Box 0634 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Well it takes all sorts! Somebody *paid* to put the advert it! Let's help them. Send all herbert tips to me (Janet/Bitnet/Earn/Ean etc but *not* uucp) and I will collate a list for circulation and submission. ====================================================================== *** Now by popular acclaim: "TRUE STORIES" *** ====================================================================== Remanded on bail having been charged with the theft of two tins of dog food, Mr Anthony Posten, a removal man from Middlesbrough, said that he cultivated a Hitler-style haircut, dressed in the uniform of an SS man and called himself Axel Hoffman after one of the Nazi mass murderers "in order to increase his popularity with the local people". {Middlesbrough Evening Gazette: 89-09-09. Phil Small} ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A spokesman for Miss Trisha ward's musical production Forever Yours said: "The preview was cancelled because the show's musical director, David Oliver, fell ill and was forbidden to conduct from the pit while on a drip, supported by his nurse-wife, and with an ambulance ticking over at the stage door. However, as Trish wrote Nightshriek - a musical Macbeth - after four years of major surgery, and followed up with Behold the Nun, while still recovering, we can be sure that this setback will not stop her fighting on." {The Stage: 89-11-30. Amy Kampe} ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Addressing the Environmental Protection Agency's Baltimore conference, Professor Haslon Kryber said: "There are approximately 3.1 billion managed ruminants on earth and studies have shown that their natural emissions of gas make a significant contribution to the greenhouse effect. Sheep, goats and buffalo are all great methane blowers and burpers, but it is the average American dairy cow's natural flatulence output of up to 55 kilograms of methane each year that makes this a must-solve problem. "EPA scientists are crafting proposals to subvert this cud-plus global warming effect, but the poorer countries produce poorer ruminants that emit even more methane and about them something must be done at once." {Baltimore Sun: 89-11-23. Alan Wheatly} ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Evicted from his council house and obliged to live with his married daughter Sammy, "whom I have always disliked", Mr Samuel Dele (83), a retired train-driver from Old Tafara said: "The council's Development Committee have evicted me because I have refused to pay an extra $17.50 a year for the introduction of a flush toilet system to my house. On consulting my records I discovered that I have been paying 50 cents a month for the flush toilet system since 1957. Therefore I am entitiled to well over 12 years of free flush toileting which, all things being considered, I am unlikely to enjoy. This is the basis of my protest." {Harare Sunday Mail: 89-11-07: D.J.Morris} ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Commenting on the US Army's newly developed $5 billion Divad anti-aircraft cannon, described by experts as "the most efficient gun in world history", Mr David Zik, one of it's designers, said in his retirement speech: "There still remain one or two snags. The gun does not work in rain, it's radar signal gives it's position away; and when it's computer was switched on for a recent demonstration, it swung off it's target and on to the viewing stands - so we all had to run for it." {US Military Hardware: December 89. Dennis Bailey} ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Giving evidence to the coroner's court, Miss Wallace Timm said: "I was in the Victoria Bar at the Grand when Bob Traley came in, ordered a pint of lager, and used it to swallow down a handful of pills. We were quite busy ate the time and there was sport on the TV. After a while Bob collapsed, but nobody paod any attention because he was a regular." {Hartlepool Mail: 89-11-21. N.P.Clarke} <===============================end==================================>