Extracts from "Weekending" The weekend: Last week's complaints to the BBC regarding interference on the medium wave lead to the discovery that it is in fact Radio 5. The couple living like rabbits for a week to raise money for animal charities give up after three days suffering from exhaustion. Hearing of Tony Benn's intention to visit Baghdad, Sadam Hussein withdraws all troops from Kuwait. Following the announcement that Sandy Gall is to quit presenting News at Ten in order to send reports from the world's trouble spots, he is posted to Tory party headquarters. The RSPCA's campaign to ban the cruel transportation of live animals is extended to cover commuters on Network South East. The newly proposed soccer legislation which will make it an offence to run on to the pitch without good reason forces Sheffield United to leave the football league. Monday: Reports that up to 60% of all Britain's swimming pools can cause sickness and diarrhoea are confirmed when it is revealed they are filled with drinking water. Shirley McLean apologises for the way her hands covered Andrew Lloyd Webber's face in newspaper photographs and says she is very sorry but she didn't have a paper bag handy at the time. The madman who camped outside Jeremy Beadle's house for three days with a pop-gun is found by police and given a real gun. Tuesday: The man who built a model village from cornflake packets is asked if he'd like to twin it with Basingstoke. Plans are put forward for primary school children to learn a first language. The South African student who was found to have a rubber baton, two knives, six pairs of handcuffs, a rifle, 50 rounds of ammunition and a grenade in his locker at school is charged with impersonating a police officer. After being charged with speeding at 100 miles an hour on the M1, Labour transport spokesman John Prescott is made an honourary member of the Royal family. Wednesday: The man who clung to the roof of an intercity express for 12 miles before leaping off at Bradford admits that it was a senseless thing to do as his ticket was valid as far as Liverpool. The man who failed to kill his wife by spreading rat poison on her toast succeeds when he spikes her coffee with seawater from Blackpool. After Paul Gascoigne buys shares in Newcastle United for sentimental reasons, an FA spokesman confirms that there has been no infringement of its rules as there can be no other reason for anyone to buy shares in Newcastle United. The call for women to use both their own and their husband's surnames after marriage is rejected by Elizabeth Taylor Hylton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner. Thursday: Green campaigners pleased with their success in persuading MacDonalds to phase out their plastic boxes within 60 days say the next step is to get them to do the same with the burgers. The British deaf association who have called for more extensive use of sign language in everyday life are told that short-tempered motorists already use it freely. The boy who produced 2000 stick insects from one pair says he was only trying to light a fire when he started rubbing them together. At the funeral of Douglas Scott, the designer of the Routemaster double decker bus, as a mark of respect mourners arrive late, three at a time. Friday: Following a call in the Sun for its readers to go to the channel and shout obscenities at the French, millions of them turn up in Doncaster. Admitting that he was once a violent and abusive drunk, Billy Conolly says that he is a completely changed man, and is now just a violent and abusive teetotaler. After authorities in Moscow decide to introduce rationing, a huge search is mounted to find something to ration. And finally, Sir Ralph Halpen, who is retiring as chief executive of Burtons after 30 years with the company, says it will be a relief to be able to go out in public in some decent clothes for a change. and now here is next week's news: The weekend: The BBC launches its annual "Viewers in need... of a break from Terry Wogan" appeal. Monday: At the wedding of Sebastian Coe, Steve Ovett makes it to the altar first. Tuesday: After a newborn baby is abandoned at an Asda supermarket, staff find it a pram with unstable wheels which won't move inb s atraight line. Wednesday: The new bride of ventriloquist Keith Harris reveals that she nearly walked out on their honeymoon night when she found her husband wouldn't do anything without drinking a glass of water at the same time. Thursday: Reports that young offenders are being forced to join the Scouts are confirmed when little old ladies are mugged across the road. Friday: After new legislation makes it compulsory for adults to wear seatbelts in the backs of cars, casualty figures remain unaltered but the birth rate falls by 30%. And that is the end of next week's news.